In this post, we're heading off to Sha Tin. Remember to take your camera and some home made banners so you can conjure up such hilarious MTR-sign photos such as "I just - Sha Tin - the train" or more topically "Ruddy hell! A mainlander - Sha Tin - the train". When you're done defacing the language, culture and dignity of our little territory, be prepared to go against the grain!
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| "Not another bloody Buddha for Christmas?!" |
If Lonely Planet had their way, you'd come to Hong Kong and visit temples until your lungs spontaneously combusted due to joss stick smoke inhalation. However, it'd be remiss of me not to point that Sha Tin is home to one of the more impressive temples in Hong Kong, the Ten Thousand Buddhas temple.
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| "Oh yeah! You should see my cock!" |
It seems they have used BODMAS or something to establish that figure as there are clearly a damn sight more than ten thousand Buddhas here. And it's up a big hill. So if you're not exactly light on your loafers and hate being misled on the figures, steer well clear. So what else does Sha Tin have to offer save for the divine Daim Bar cake in IKEA?
Fear not you maverick renegade! All your touristic instincts will tell you to climb that hill and see that temple. Me, I say buck that trend cowboy. Turn right at the MTR concourse and head into the mall. Ignore the shops and crappy food options and aim for the back door, for it is here that nirvana awaits.
Not that you're dying. I don't want to put you off before you've even arrived. No, nirvana in the purely new-age sense. For you are bound for Snoopy World.
Snoopy World is a fucking baffling tribute to the Peanuts cartoons that is inexplicably tacked onto the edge of the plaza in Sha Tin and provides free entertainment for children of all ages. More specifically it provides entertainment for children under the age of five. If you're any older and not there with your kids, you're gonna look like a bit of a loser.
Join me now as I take you through the different exhibits...
1. The Arranged Marriage Zone
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| Chin up love |
These days, it's hard to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, so why not let your parents take care of all that for you long before you even need to worry about it. Although it is hard to substantiate this non-fact, it is believe that this was actually the initial purpose of the park when it first opened but it's original purpose was overshadowed by the advent of photography as an obsession.
2. The Academic Depressurisation Chamber
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| Shove yer SATS up yer erse! |
Controversial as this exhibit was when it first went online, there can be no denying its popularity with the young people of Hong Kong. Each customer is invited to drink themselves stupid until they no longer care about the fact that they have to do excruciatingly pointless exams every five minutes and are sent home with enough homework to bring down entire governments. The exhibit has been directly implicated in ketamine abuse by young Honkers seeking to replicate its effects when the park closes of an evening.
3. The North Korean Homes Exhibition
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| Salvador Dali's maw hated it when he offered to decorate. |
In an attempt to extend the arm of friendship to famed North Korean film-maker Kim Jong Il, the park invited Mr. Kim to present a typical North Korea homestead to the park. This genuine replication of a North Korean household includes this striking red television which broadcasts from inside the mind of his deceased father, the venerable Kim Il-Sung...
4. The Pornographic Zone
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| Woodstock - fluffer |
This zone has proved controversial since its inception and features this sole exhibit of Woodstock openly fellating Snoopy in broad fucking daylight.
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| Prison riots, much less musical these days. |
5. The School Zone
This exhibit has proved even more controversial than the Porno Zone. Desperate for their children to be taught alongside little white children and by a native teacher (horn-voiced though she may be), waiting lists for the school stretch into the thousands. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that the school is not real but nobody will fucking listen.
6. The Sex-Education Zone
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| IKEA by Scott McKay |
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| Sir, would it surprise if I told you I listened to the music of K.D. Lang? |
7. Organised Crime Zone
Much as I wish this blog could be informative, I have no explanation for why Marcie and Sir would be involved in an import business with a Beagle. It makes no fucking sense and surely points to this zone being the egotistical self-indulgence of an ex-gangster on the board at Snoopy World. Hmm... I'm not sure if I'll get sued or killed for that comment. Maybe both...
8. Venetian Gondola Zone
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| Brown couldn't catch a cold in an ice cube |
For those of you who are capable of suspending belief for more than five minutes, why not keep the magic alive by taking a gondola ride. If you can blot out the sight of the Standard Chartered bank as you negotiate the waterways - not to mention the fucking behemoth mall and town hall buildings - it's really just like being in Venice. Except it's not... at all!
9. And finally...
So your kid's had a hard week at school and needs to get away from education for five fucking minutes! Why not take his or her mind off the trials and tribulations of hyper-education by letting them board and imagine riding in this authentic style school-bus! It's just like the real thing only not driven by a mad-man whose desire to get from A to B as fast as is humanly possibly (see previous post) is rivalled only by Hong Kong's venerable red minibus drivers.
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| "That's not my child! My child is white, female and has more than one fucking leg!" Another embarrassing day for Hong Kong's school minibus cartel... |
So there you have it; Snoopy World. It's free to get in and you'd have only gone to the Ten Thousand Buddhas and been robbed of even more time that you'll never get back. If you have time, why not head to Tsim Sha Tsui and visit the Charlie Brown Cafe, an equally inexplicable tribute to the afore-mentioned Peanuts cartoon strips. I've never been, it's probably shit.
As a closer, I should point out that the high point of this excursion did actually occur at the much maligned (by me it has to be said) Ten Thousand Buddhas temple. Let's just put it this way...
Recipe for Unbridled Amusement
Ingredients
1 Pack of Monkeys
1 Tube of Phoney Mainland Pringles (carelessly discarded)
Method
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| "Truly, once one pops one cannot stop" - Anonymous Monkey |
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| Face like a babboons arse! |
Introduce and enjoy the fallout...
Cost: Your soul
Where: Sha Tin (do NOT turn left at the MTR!)
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