Activity 3 - Snoopy World

In this post, we're heading off to Sha Tin. Remember to take your camera and some home made banners so you can conjure up such hilarious MTR-sign photos such as "I just - Sha Tin - the train" or more topically "Ruddy hell! A mainlander - Sha Tin - the train". When you're done defacing the language, culture and dignity of our little territory, be prepared to go against the grain!

 

"Not another bloody
Buddha for Christmas?!"

If Lonely Planet had their way, you'd come to Hong Kong and visit temples until your lungs spontaneously combusted due to joss stick smoke inhalation. However, it'd be remiss of me not to point that Sha Tin is home to one of the more impressive temples in Hong Kong, the Ten Thousand Buddhas temple.



"Oh yeah! You should
see my cock!"

It seems they have used BODMAS or something to establish that figure as there are clearly a damn sight more than ten thousand Buddhas here. And it's up a big hill. So if you're not exactly light on your loafers and hate being misled on the figures, steer well clear. So what else does Sha Tin have to offer save for the divine Daim Bar cake in IKEA?

 

Fear not you maverick renegade! All your touristic instincts will tell you to climb that hill and see that temple. Me, I say buck that trend cowboy. Turn right at the MTR concourse and head into the mall. Ignore the shops and crappy food options and aim for the back door, for it is here that nirvana awaits.

 

Not that you're dying. I don't want to put you off before you've even arrived. No, nirvana in the purely new-age sense. For you are bound for Snoopy World.

 

Snoopy World is a fucking baffling tribute to the Peanuts cartoons that is inexplicably tacked onto the edge of the plaza in Sha Tin and provides free entertainment for children of all ages. More specifically it provides entertainment for children under the age of five. If you're any older and not there with your kids, you're gonna look like a bit of a loser.

 

Join me now as I take you through the different exhibits...

 

1. The Arranged Marriage Zone

Chin up love

 

These days, it's hard to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, so why not let your parents take care of all that for you long before you even need to worry about it. Although it is hard to substantiate this non-fact, it is believe that this was actually the initial purpose of the park when it first opened but it's original purpose was overshadowed by the advent of photography as an obsession.

 

 2. The Academic Depressurisation Chamber

 

Shove yer SATS
up yer erse!

Controversial as this exhibit was when it first went online, there can be no denying its popularity with the young people of Hong Kong. Each customer is invited to drink themselves stupid until they no longer care about the fact that they have to do excruciatingly pointless exams every five minutes and are sent home with enough homework to bring down entire governments. The exhibit has been directly implicated in ketamine abuse by young Honkers seeking to replicate its effects when the park closes of an evening.

 

3. The North Korean Homes Exhibition



Salvador Dali's maw hated it when
he offered to decorate.

In an attempt to extend the arm of friendship to famed North Korean film-maker Kim Jong Il, the park invited Mr. Kim to present a typical North Korea homestead to the park. This genuine replication of a North Korean household includes this striking red television which broadcasts from inside the mind of his deceased father, the venerable Kim Il-Sung...

 

4. The Pornographic Zone

 

Woodstock - fluffer

This zone has proved controversial since its inception and features this sole exhibit of Woodstock openly fellating Snoopy in broad fucking daylight.

 

Prison riots, much less musical these
days.

5. The School Zone

 

This exhibit has proved even more controversial than the Porno Zone. Desperate for their children to be taught alongside little white children and by a native teacher (horn-voiced though she may be), waiting lists for the school stretch into the thousands. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that the school is not real but nobody will fucking listen.

 

6. The Sex-Education Zone

 

This is more of a sign than a zone but the message is no less powerful. STOP SHAGGING TABLES!

IKEA by Scott McKay

 



Sir, would it surprise if I told you I
listened to the music of K.D. Lang?

7. Organised Crime Zone

 

Much as I wish this blog could be informative, I have no explanation for why Marcie and Sir would be involved in an import business with a Beagle. It makes no fucking sense and surely points to this zone being the egotistical self-indulgence of an ex-gangster on the board at Snoopy World. Hmm... I'm not sure if I'll get sued or killed for that comment. Maybe both...

 

8. Venetian Gondola Zone

 

Brown couldn't catch a cold in an ice cube

For those of you who are capable of suspending belief for more than five minutes, why not keep the magic alive by taking a gondola ride. If you can blot out the sight of the Standard Chartered bank as you negotiate the waterways - not to mention the fucking behemoth mall and town hall buildings - it's really just like being in Venice. Except it's not... at all!

 

9. And finally...

 

So your kid's had a hard week at school and needs to get away from education for five fucking minutes! Why not take his or her mind off the trials and tribulations of hyper-education by letting them board and imagine riding in this authentic style school-bus! It's just like the real thing only not driven by a mad-man whose desire to get from A to B as fast as is humanly possibly (see previous post) is rivalled only by Hong Kong's venerable red minibus drivers.

 

"That's not my child! My child is white, female and has more than one fucking leg!"
Another embarrassing day for Hong Kong's school minibus cartel...

So there you have it; Snoopy World. It's free to get in and you'd have only gone to the Ten Thousand Buddhas and been robbed of even more time that you'll never get back. If you have time, why not head to Tsim Sha Tsui and visit the Charlie Brown Cafe, an equally inexplicable tribute to the afore-mentioned Peanuts cartoon strips. I've never been, it's probably shit.

 

As a closer, I should point out that the high point of this excursion did actually occur at the much maligned (by me it has to be said) Ten Thousand Buddhas temple. Let's just put it this way...

 

Recipe for Unbridled Amusement

 

Ingredients

1 Pack of Monkeys

1 Tube of Phoney Mainland Pringles (carelessly discarded)

 

Method

"Truly, once one pops one cannot
stop" - Anonymous Monkey

Face like a babboons arse!

Introduce and enjoy the fallout...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Cost: Your soul

 Where: Sha Tin (do NOT turn left at the MTR!)

Activity 2 - Red Minibus Ride!

For those of you who read my previous post on sign-spotting, if you'd like to experience the convenient banking options and... err... concrete walkway that is Wan King Path, you'll have to dedicate an afternoon to carting your arse down to Sai Kung penninsula. Now all you have to do is get there!

Excuse me mate, no anywhere we can get some feet?

As you'll note from the above image, taxis are the exlusive preserve of conjoint twins with no feet so no taxi for you! Sure you can take a regulation run-of-the-mill double-decker KMB bus. If you wish to do so then catch bus 92 from outside Exit C of Choi Hung station. However, you've just paid out a nominal fee on the roulette wheel that is travel insurance so why not use it? It's time for you to experience a red minibus ride!

Bloody typical, you wait all day for a bus then 357 show up at once!

The red minibus is the unlicensed equivalent of its green cousins and it's fair to say, it does everything to live up to the somewhat seedier image the word 'unlicensed' inspires. Usually, the odds are about 7-1 that your driver will be wearing a vest. These odds decrease to around 4-1 that he will be wearing anything at all, he knows chicks dig a belly! He's also not keen to whack on the ol' air-con so it works best for him to be as naked as possible.

The red minibus, survival of the fittest.

The red minibus is notorious for accidents so be sure to update those organ donor cards people. Indeed, their tendency to roll-over during said accidents became such an issue that they were retro-fitted with speed indicator displays. Unfortunately, these displays have been hideously misinterpreted by both the drivers and their passengers. Instead of being alarmed when the beepers indicate that the death-bus is speeding in excess of 80kmph, it is taken to mean - forgive me as I'm not completely confident on the Cantonese tones which the machine may be emitting - "You're doing well. Go faster. We admire your performance".

Of course, if you feel compelled to correct this misinterpretation, don't bother yourself. Your friendly driver will not hear you as he himself has been retro-fitted with around six mobile phones, all of which have been synchronised using some extremely dubious Soviet-era technology. He can hear shite all that's happening on the bus. He's too busy giving it "dee-ooo-lay-no-mo" or "pok-guy" into one of his many mobiles to be aware of such trivial complaints as "You're going too fast", "I think you hit something you fucking lunatic" or "Oh Jesus! My baby!".

Similarly, be mindful of the fact that your dear driver is part of the bricks and mortar of the Hong Kong public transport system. Unfortunately, he still operates within the mindframe of someone who was around when there was barely any brick or mortar in Hong Kong. Therefore, he feels completely within his rights to move from lane one to lane nine of a nine lane highway and then scream at other motorists for having the incredulity to beep their horns! He also then reserves the right to get back on the phones and tell his friends all about it and shout "dee-ooo-lay-no-mo" or "pok-guy" some more whilst continuing to ignore the panicked screams of his speedometer.

Now just a quick word of advice! Although the image below was recorded on the more refined and elegant double-decker buses in Hong Kong, you should bear in mind that the sun can also permeate the defences of even the most streetwise and foolhardy red minibus. As a result, you may want to follow the humorous anti-tumorous approach of one of the dear citizens of Hong Kong and pack that umbrella! Be sure to also show your contempt for the sun by tutting and shouting obscenities at the sun from time to time. Why not try the ones being liberally expoused by your friendly minibus driver?

Confucius himself dismissed the sun as an "absolute vile aunt" before cursing his predictive text.

For maximum effect, be sure to travel off-peak, thus ensuring a minimal flow of passengers to throw up on and simultaneously guaranteeing that your driver will be as hasty as possible due to the lack of cash being generated on your run. The drive to Sai Kung involves rapidly climbing and rapidly descending something of a mountain and your driver will be more than obliging in ensuring you feel the gravity defying joy of that process. His speedometer will be screaming beautiful praise at him over the din of his plethora of mobile phones and your brain will be screaming at you for bombarding it with this visuo-spatial kinaesthetic fist-fuck.

If you're lucky you'll be able to untie the knots in your stomach as you disembark in Sai Kung. On the plus side, congratulations are in order! You have now completed stage three of High-G training and are closer to travelling into space than you have ever been!

Make no mistake though, Sai Kung is lovely and a real treat awaits you on arrival. It just feels like a holiday away from your holiday after the intensity of the city.

Cost: Your soul and considerable internal bleeding.
Where: Dundas Street, Mong Kok

Activity 1 - Sign Spotting

Hong Kong has so much to offer the intrepid traveller but if markets and trams are not your kind of thing then read on soldier. We’re going to guide you on a no expenses paid trip through an alternate Hong Kong. Sure you could follow the advice of the many guide books on Hong Kong and make a bee-line for Ladies Market or Victoria Peak and enjoy the slow the death of your soul. Alternatively, you could devote a few hours of your holiday to going shopping.

I’m not talking about looking at rancid concept clothing in Chanel or Prada that looks like it was designed by a blind monkey on acid, I’m talking about arming yourself with your camera and shop-spotting all those fantastically humorous shop fronts and signage that you just know will inject a cheap giggle or two into your slideshows when you get back home.

The beauty of Hong Kong is that there is pinyin (romanized Chinese sounds) signage all over the place that many locals are blissfully unaware carries a certain alternate meaning to speakers of the English language. For example, this little number lies tucked away adjacent to Temple Street in Jordan…

Yeah tower! Go fu*k yourself!

For those of you from Scotland in particular, this world of fun is amplified by the Scottish tendency to utilise the 'ie' word ending when immortalising yet more wonderful slang usages. Hence these little numbers should inspire momentary snorts of pleasure from your buddies.

Wanky and Manky, incidentally one of these is a popular girls name in Hong Kong. Can you guess which one?

Of course, it's not just in the pinyin that one can find rich pickings as a shop-spotter. Sometimes, the commendable effort that goes into translating the name of your shop for the Anglicised among us can lead to people buying their vegetables from the (in)appropriately named:

If you're gonna be a hero, might as well be a...

Or if you require the services of the criminally volatile and fairly dangerous, why not employ the delightfully named: 

Your job done, or we'll fuckin' kill ya!

And if all else fails, why not just go for all out shamelessness and use the most popular name you know and use it to front up your business empire.

25% of Americans would assume his language is "Mawslem"

But alas, spotting should not be confined to mere shop signs. If all else fails, be mindful that street names here might possibly contain any combination of the following: man, fuk, kok, suk, dong, wang, long, dong, hung, sik, dik. If you're in the right place at the right time, you may even spot a gem like this:

The one true path...

And if all else fails, you can always rely on the delightfully inappropriate brand likely to grace any reputable (ahem) mall in Hong Kong. The brilliantly Japanenglish - WANKO!

Incidentally, if you type "Wanko shop" into Google whilst sharing these distasteful nuggets with your pals, you'll get the blurb saying "Wanko in Japan, wanko in USA, wanko in Canada, wanko in Australia, wanko in UK" - at least one of which you're sure to have done and you can chucle over that and perhaps reminisce.

And if all else fails, look out for these little numbers in Yau Ma Tei where apparently one can 'enjoy' a free preview of their chosen ethnicity.

$280HKD for a Chinese but you'll be starving in about twenty minutes...

Where: All over Hong Kong - keep your eyes peeled...
Cost: Potentially free. $880HKD if you get a little carried away in Yau Ma Tei (p.s. not advised)
When: All year round.