Activity 2 - Red Minibus Ride!

For those of you who read my previous post on sign-spotting, if you'd like to experience the convenient banking options and... err... concrete walkway that is Wan King Path, you'll have to dedicate an afternoon to carting your arse down to Sai Kung penninsula. Now all you have to do is get there!

Excuse me mate, no anywhere we can get some feet?

As you'll note from the above image, taxis are the exlusive preserve of conjoint twins with no feet so no taxi for you! Sure you can take a regulation run-of-the-mill double-decker KMB bus. If you wish to do so then catch bus 92 from outside Exit C of Choi Hung station. However, you've just paid out a nominal fee on the roulette wheel that is travel insurance so why not use it? It's time for you to experience a red minibus ride!

Bloody typical, you wait all day for a bus then 357 show up at once!

The red minibus is the unlicensed equivalent of its green cousins and it's fair to say, it does everything to live up to the somewhat seedier image the word 'unlicensed' inspires. Usually, the odds are about 7-1 that your driver will be wearing a vest. These odds decrease to around 4-1 that he will be wearing anything at all, he knows chicks dig a belly! He's also not keen to whack on the ol' air-con so it works best for him to be as naked as possible.

The red minibus, survival of the fittest.

The red minibus is notorious for accidents so be sure to update those organ donor cards people. Indeed, their tendency to roll-over during said accidents became such an issue that they were retro-fitted with speed indicator displays. Unfortunately, these displays have been hideously misinterpreted by both the drivers and their passengers. Instead of being alarmed when the beepers indicate that the death-bus is speeding in excess of 80kmph, it is taken to mean - forgive me as I'm not completely confident on the Cantonese tones which the machine may be emitting - "You're doing well. Go faster. We admire your performance".

Of course, if you feel compelled to correct this misinterpretation, don't bother yourself. Your friendly driver will not hear you as he himself has been retro-fitted with around six mobile phones, all of which have been synchronised using some extremely dubious Soviet-era technology. He can hear shite all that's happening on the bus. He's too busy giving it "dee-ooo-lay-no-mo" or "pok-guy" into one of his many mobiles to be aware of such trivial complaints as "You're going too fast", "I think you hit something you fucking lunatic" or "Oh Jesus! My baby!".

Similarly, be mindful of the fact that your dear driver is part of the bricks and mortar of the Hong Kong public transport system. Unfortunately, he still operates within the mindframe of someone who was around when there was barely any brick or mortar in Hong Kong. Therefore, he feels completely within his rights to move from lane one to lane nine of a nine lane highway and then scream at other motorists for having the incredulity to beep their horns! He also then reserves the right to get back on the phones and tell his friends all about it and shout "dee-ooo-lay-no-mo" or "pok-guy" some more whilst continuing to ignore the panicked screams of his speedometer.

Now just a quick word of advice! Although the image below was recorded on the more refined and elegant double-decker buses in Hong Kong, you should bear in mind that the sun can also permeate the defences of even the most streetwise and foolhardy red minibus. As a result, you may want to follow the humorous anti-tumorous approach of one of the dear citizens of Hong Kong and pack that umbrella! Be sure to also show your contempt for the sun by tutting and shouting obscenities at the sun from time to time. Why not try the ones being liberally expoused by your friendly minibus driver?

Confucius himself dismissed the sun as an "absolute vile aunt" before cursing his predictive text.

For maximum effect, be sure to travel off-peak, thus ensuring a minimal flow of passengers to throw up on and simultaneously guaranteeing that your driver will be as hasty as possible due to the lack of cash being generated on your run. The drive to Sai Kung involves rapidly climbing and rapidly descending something of a mountain and your driver will be more than obliging in ensuring you feel the gravity defying joy of that process. His speedometer will be screaming beautiful praise at him over the din of his plethora of mobile phones and your brain will be screaming at you for bombarding it with this visuo-spatial kinaesthetic fist-fuck.

If you're lucky you'll be able to untie the knots in your stomach as you disembark in Sai Kung. On the plus side, congratulations are in order! You have now completed stage three of High-G training and are closer to travelling into space than you have ever been!

Make no mistake though, Sai Kung is lovely and a real treat awaits you on arrival. It just feels like a holiday away from your holiday after the intensity of the city.

Cost: Your soul and considerable internal bleeding.
Where: Dundas Street, Mong Kok